"I would rather commit suicide than need the care of a nursing home"

I am now in my mid 40s (a baby boomer) and for most of my working life have worked as a trained nurse.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with HIV and unfortunately this has now brought an end to my working life so now I am retired.

At first I fully expected to die within a few years (3 to 5) from this condition but, with the advent of newer and more advanced drug therapys my chances of reaching my more senior years keeps looking more and more likely.

During my initial years as a nurse, I worked as an untrained nursing assistant in the area of aged care. and I must say I found it difficult and depressing to say the least.

I would often think to myself: "dear god, I hope I die before I ever reach the pityfull stage of some of those that I cared for" (and it looks like I just might hopefully).

I witnessed many acts of brutality and cruelty from more senior registered nursing staff and doctors alike, but due to my low rank at that time wasnt able to do anything about it.

In the end I left this area of nursing and went on to do my training and worked in the area of general medicine and surgery until my retirement.

As a nurse, one has the unfortunate advantage of having an intimate knowledge of the terrifying and often ugly ways with which we can die, and I am certainly no exception.

When I was initialy diagnosed with HIV I was of course very upset and scared of what lay ahead of me and the type of death I will most certainly experience, so as a result of this, I have put together certain medications that I know will bring about my own demise quietly, and without pain, when I feel that the time is right.

The thought of me having to rely on strangers to take care of my personal needs like bathing and toileting, for me its simply out of the question.

My feelings would be the same if I were to ever need the services of a nursing home.

The thought of having a stranger/s wipe my bottom, wash my body, clean my bed should I have an accident, bed sores, incontinence, or even worse, a beating, should I ever upset some crazed overworked cranky old nurse with my ramblings brought on by dementia.

NO!!! my pride simply wouldnt allow it.

I love life passionately and i live it to the full everyday, but I have to much respect for myself and my dignity to risk loosing it in ways that I have outlined is simply unthinkable.

- my apologies to anyone who I may have offended, it wasn't intended.

with kind regards, David.